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Weird Fantasy Football Player Calmly Accepts Playoff Loss
If you say “it’s just a game” one more time, dude
CLEVELAND, OH — In a move unprecedented in the history of the game, Peter Miller lost the Cleveland Coalition Fantasy Football League championship game 81–80, yet proceeded to accept his defeat in a calm, collected manner.
The equanimity shown by the 2023 CCFFL runner-up left his leaguemates thunderstruck. Newly-crowned champion Bill Mason, who defeated Mr. Miller in the closely contested game to claim his first title in a dozen years, was particularly irate.
“Did you see Peter’s post in the league chat?” asked Mr. Mason. Looks like Bill had the better team, congrats to him. Lucky I made it this far in my first season.
“What the absolute fuck?
“Pete missed out on the championship by a single point, and the refs may have cost him two on a questionable fumble call. That’s the kind of thing that should keep you awake at night at least until baseball season starts, and those extra waking hours should damn well be used to constantly text, phone, and email your league about how you got royally screwed.”
Mr. Mason’s face gradually turned crimson as he clenched the recently acquired, four-foot tall, eighty-five-pound league champion trophy, until the force of his grip eventually snapped off the orange-helmeted dog head.
“Look,” he continued, “we don’t need no High Road Harrys in this league. What fun is that? Great, I won five hundred dollars. Big deal. That’s gone as soon as I bet on the Browns to reach the Super Bowl. But your opponent being miserable and whining about how things didn’t go their way? That’s a memory that lasts forever.”
Sixth-place finisher John Detweiler concurred, explaining that Mr. Miller’s actions were an affront to the spirit of the game.
“Losing a fantasy football game is one of the most traumatic events you can experience in life, up there with serious illness and losing your job, in whatever order. Passing it off as ‘just one of those things’ that happens in your ‘hobby’ is bullshit.”
Richard Benson, who lost to Mr. Miller in the semi-finals, took it a step farther.
