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“I Can’t Catch A Break,” Complains Undefeated Fantasy Football Team Owner
Josh Miller, owner of the 12-0 Fighting Amish fantasy football team, was despondent yesterday over how the weekend’s slate of NFL games might affect his chances of defending his seven-year reign as champion of the Bros Before HoHos League.
When his opponent posted a frowny emoji to the league chat after his kicker ruptured his Achilles on the opening kickoff by tripping over a shoe that had somehow slipped off a teammate’s foot, Mr. Miller responded, “It’s football. Injuries happen. But did you see how MY kicker was going to kick his fifth field goal — a 48-yarder — but then a penalty on the other team made it only 43 yards? That cost me half a point. Now my lead is only 129–42. Why does God hate me?”
Mr. Miller was equally incensed at the raw deal handed him during the early afternoon games, when his quarterback threw for 449 yards against a team who lost five defensive backs in a freak running-onto-the-field-through-the-stadium-tunnel accident. “The QB gets a three-point bonus for every fifty yards over 300, and my guy ends up one yard shy of his third bonus. Sheesh, I don’t know why I play this game any more.
“Not to mention Week 7, when I had six players on bye. Sure, the two running backs, wide receiver, tight end, kicker, and defense I picked up on waivers had the best games of their careers, but wouldn’t you know I only won by two points in what should have been a blowout, because it was my luck that the team I played had the second-highest score that week. How is that fair?
“And what about last week? In my world, I guess I should expect it, but seven of my eight starters scored below their season average. One point below, each! Can you imagine the outcry if something like that had ever happened to anyone else in the history of the game? I would have been screwed if it weren’t for my flex player catching fifteen passes for 228 yards and six touchdowns.”
When asked how that wasn’t good luck for him, Mr. Miller gasped, exclaiming, “You sound like the guys in my league! As if the potential for that kind of production wasn’t exactly why I drafted the guy!”
At press time, Mr. Miller had thrown his iPad against the wall and wailed, “Oh, come on!” after reading that his…
