Bow Down To Me, For I Have Used An Entire Bar Of Soap Without Breaking It

I apologize to those of you who have run marathons or raised happy and productive children or understood season two of Marvel’s Legion, because you were probably feeling pretty good about yourselves before learning that I had used up a complete four-ounce bar of Coast Classic Scent soap without it breaking.

I would liked to have kept you abreast of my progress during this historic journey, but it is not something you say out loud for fear of jinxing it. Also, I could not find a flattering camera angle in the shower.

There were certainly tense moments along the way. One morning, carelessly showering with the reckless abandon of a millennial body wash user, the soap bent, shaping itself to my leg.

Was the freakish muscularity of my calf partially to blame? Perhaps. But this near-disaster was the wake up call I needed. This, my friends, is why they invented the term make or break time. Everything from here on had to be perfect were I to shepherd this fragrant slice of compressed animal fats to an exalted place in history.

I rededicated myself to the soap saver’s credo — soap with devotion, not emotion. To this end, I entered radio silence. Lather, not blather, is another bar soap completionist’s saying, because 1) our vast reserves of…