Boy, do you people like to bitch about some “classic” movie that we Oscar voters snub come nomination time. Singin’ in the Rain. Vertigo. Alien. Blade Runner.
Wah. Wah. Wah. Wah.
But saying no thanks to 2021 pop culture sensation Tom & Jerry really kicked your pissiness into overdrive. You turn fifteen bucks of your stimulus check into a month of HBO Max and suddenly you’re a bunch of cinephiles, taking to Twitter with “you suck” and “history will judge you poorly” and “you know that mallet Jerry is able to swing even though it’s twenty times his size just…
March Madness: The last sixteen teams in the tournament.
April Anger: I gained sixteen pounds spending the winter eating sweets!
March Madness: The last four teams in the tournament.
April Anger: I have four dollars left after filing my taxes!
One Shining Moment
March Madness: A song played during a montage of tournament highlights.
April Anger: The six-minute stretch when the sun actually breaks through the rain/snow/sleet/watermelon-sized hail that make up the other 43,194 minutes.
March Madness: What teams that may or may not make tournament are on.
April Anger: Black Ugly Brackish Basement…
(Back with another take on the greatest song in the history of songs. Click on the link below to follow along. Hoops!)
Boy, I got ripped
Each game so far
“It figures, that’s my life!”
I scream through Joe’s Bar
Drink three more beers
Curse my woes
My friends are being jerks
This tourney bloooooows
So one whining moment ’cause bad breaks are mine
One whining moment — my favorite pastime
I hate this sport
It does me wrong
Hey I deserve to cry
Cause my paycheck’s gone
It all seems fun
When I choose
I make my bracket bet
[First appeared in Points in Case — August 2020]
During the first 97 minutes of the latest Syfy mutant monster movie — Ferretcuda — you’ve laughed at me as I’ve (mostly metaphorically) soiled my pants every time the wind blew.
You howled in act one when I was hanging out with my friends — star quarterback Brad, his cheerleader girlfriend Candi, and cute-nerdy-girl-I’ve-had-a-crush-on-since-third-grade-though-I’ve-been-too-petrified-for-the-past-eight-years-to-tell-her Nicole — and Brad’s pet ferret jumped in my lap and I shrieked, spit out my joint, spilled Mountain Dew on myself, and ran and locked myself in the bathroom, only to run shrieking right back out…
The third in my unplanned trilogy of holiday parodies. I promise I’m done. For now. Probably. Follow along to the original with the link at the end.
(I suggest some vigorous vocal exercises and maybe a bit of light stretching before tackling the fourth verse)
Oh I must face I’ve grown for the holidays
Now I can’t fit in any pants I own
Doin’ fine, felt in my prime, well past Labor Day
Come the holidays, my gut’s shaped like a dome
Since sneaking Kit Kats meant for Halloween
I don’t eat, I gorge. What’s this mania? I must stop —…
(Follow along to the slightly more festive original with the link below. Merry Coughmas!)
It’s the most Covidful time of the year
We’re all stuck in our dwellings
Avoiding expellings from coughs that we fear
It’s the most hoard Purell time of the year
For the crap-crappiest reason of all
There was no trick-or-treating
Nor Thanksgiving eating
It screwed up our fall
It’s a fun-handicapped season for all
So with gov’nors imposing
Our bodies away from germed souls
Quarantine can be boring
What’s this Netflix warning? Oh
Seems that I’ve watched every show
It’s the most Covidful time…
Taking a song about the true meaning of Christmas and turning it into a song about the TRUE meaning of Christmas. Follow along to the original with the link below.
I come to ye Paypal
Shopping while recumbent
So comfy, so comfy, while I buy a ham
Cash, I’m not holding
Pocketfuls of change won’t
End up in jars ignore-ed
Coin wrapping, what a chore — bleh
Won’t come inside your store, friend
Can’t stand the hordes
Col-lect my data
Pinpoint my location
Email me incentives to join shopper clubs
But my VISA cards—
You will not have access
TV viewers are going quite mad
Often pointing and yelling, “Egad!” *
‘Cause while watching a show
They’re interrupted, you know
By another political ad.
Just one week till it’s over, we pray
When the scariest of ghouls goes away
A thing in the night that goes bump?
No, much worse — Donald Trump
Screw Halloween, let’s get past Election Day.
Sure, a vampire will give you a fright
Biting necks just ain’t cool, amirite?
But I’ll take the undead
Over a map that’s gone red
When the voting comes in Tuesday night.
*These are, of course, tv viewers who have time traveled from the late-1600’s.
Just laugh. With me or at me. Contributor to Slackjaw, The Junction, How Pants Work, The Hit Job, The Haven, Pickle Fork. And Twitter! @MovieLeagueMike